When you are sheltering in place it is near impossible to date in real life. Nothing is open and it’s not safe to meet in person for fear of spreading COVID to yourself or loved ones so what do you do?
I decided to give the Facebook Dating App a go while socially distancing myself. Of course, only I would try to find a legit partner amidst a pandemic. I hadn’t been on a dating app in over 4 years (I don’t count my Tinderonies from my travels abroad btw), so I knew having a strategy was essential. I felt compelled to share my experience and what I learned about myself along the way.
You only have 500 characters in your Facebook Dating App bio, so I carefully crafted how I appeared to single men in San Diego. I created my profile and made sure to populate it with the max number of pictures and answers to questions Facebook posed. I wrote my bio with the intention to meet someone like minded so I stayed away from generic phrases like “Looking for a Relationship” & “Looking to Meet the One who Makes me Delete this App”. I wanted to keep things authentic, so I wrote: “Looking to meet in person to see if we both mutually want to know more about each other after meeting”. It really was that simple for me, let’s just meet to see if we both want to know more.
The first person I connected with was a match I reached out to first. After a week or so of constant communication that was friendly and light-hearted, we decided to meet in person for a walk in a public place. I prefer to have at least one phone call before meeting to mitigate my risk of wasting my time and energy. We both agreed we had mutual chemistry and continued to talk after meeting. He wanted to meet at my place for our next ‘date’ & since we really only had the option of meeting in public during the day for walks-I obliged. Looking back, I should have kept our meetings to public places until we had a chance to get to know each other better. I however, was starving for face to face dialogue and soon realized this match only wanted one thing from me and it wasn’t a relationship.
I wasn’t looking for a casual connection, and thankfully I can tell from a match’s conversation what’s on their agenda. If they find a way to introduce your boobs or pics not on your profile into conversation just delete them as they just want some “NSA fun” most likely. Another way to weed out the sex seekers is to keep your first 5 dates to public outings. When a match wants to come to your place at night and on the second or third date, he most likely isn’t looking for a long-term relationship with you.
It had been about 3 weeks since I created my first profile and felt a fresh start was in order. I deleted my profile and created another, narrowing my focus even more than my last profile. This time I met a man who initially wanted to jump right into a relationship and meet the same day we started communicating. I had just got done binge watching Love is Blind so I thought to myself why not? I mean the idea of taking a leap of faith together was romantic and just up my whimsical alley. Who knows if we’ll even make it out of quarantine alive and time was a luxury I still didn’t have much of so we jumped right in.
I soon realized there is a reason you take time getting to know a potential partner. You need to have multiple face to face conversations and exchanges of stories in order to truly get to know someone. You need to see their facial expressions, their eyes and their body language so you can decide if they are authentic. You need to share both positive and not so pleasant experiences and in-person activities together so you can determine they are who they say they are. Acknowledge the red flags when you witness them, don’t ignore them because he has a nice smile or alluring personality. The truth always finds a way to reveal itself and time will indeed tell all.
I deleted my app and waited a week to create my 3rd and final profile in my attempt at meeting a suitable match. I have this entire Online Dating App Matrix I will get into in my next blog, but I knew my window was closing and my odds of successfully finding a partner during the pandemic were dwindling fast. I crafted my final profile, crossed my fingers, rubbed Buddha’s belly and made a wish upon a star.
I met my third candidate the same day he got on the app and I was pleasantly surprised at how easy he was to talk to. We went on a walking date around Shelter Island and immediately after he asked me on a real date the next night. This was the first weekend restaurants began taking reservations and I was impressed with his initiative and follow through. We had a great exchange of conversation at dinner and went for a walk and a cruise in his car afterwards. We continued to meet the next week for walks and I later invited him over to help me with assembling some furniture I ordered from Wayfair. We had made plans for the weekend and I ended up cancelling our plans the day before due to the uncertainty of downtown at the time due to protesting. We didn’t have another official date on the books and although we had so much in common and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company, he needed more from me than I had to give.
When determining if a person is a good fit, make sure you both are in alignment with what you want and need from a partner. Sounds simple enough right? Although I had chemistry and compatibility with this third suitor, he wanted a partner who had plenty of time to spend with him. I didn’t make enough time to show him I was serious as it had only been a couple weeks and carving out time away from my business and my grand girl are reserved for at least 30 days after meeting. My 3 dates or 3 weeks theories still rain true, I didn’t make it past either with any of these 3 daters.
I had to ask myself some difficult questions in conclusion. Was I really serious about finding a partner or just longing for human connectivity? Is using an app how I want to find my partner? I have this conversation with every single client I meet for my matchmaking business and I know in my heart that I will not find my match this way. Can I focus on the qualities I want in a man versus the physical attributes I’m naturally attracted to? My ‘type’ has never worked out, not even close so why do I keep entertaining the idea that one day it will? I’ve done a great amount of personal development on myself over the last 2 years, so much so that I therapied myself right out of my last unfulfilling relationship.
I have an enlightened perspective now about exactly what I want in my partner after these dating app adventures. It’s easier to narrow your focus after going on a few dates with men who aren’t a good fit. I bring too much to the table to settle for a man who isn’t going to embrace me and love me for every one of the amazing qualities that makes me unique. I recently had a conversation with friends about my concerns with taking off professionally and not being able to do so while collaborating with my partner. My friend advised that perhaps I need to start my departure to success town and just trust that I will meet him along the way. My point is that your perspective will determine your success. Don’t create obstacles and road bumps on your path to where you are meant to go, quit complicating your life by over thinking and just be present in the moments.