The Idea of Him

I’ve been listening to hundreds of women share stories of past relationships over the years and the one recurring theme I keep hearing relates to the title of this blog. The idea of him, some need of ours to fix or nurture a man so he can reach his full potential. I’ve heard others refer to this as Florence Nightingale syndrome. I’ve spent the better part of my mid 40’s working on being the best version of myself for myself, understanding and healing from the emotional trauma of my youth, and learning to view all interactions with others thru my current perspective. After years of therapy, clarity and matchmaking I feel qualified to share my unique perspective on why some of us women want to save all broken men.


I feel this is a deep-rooted issue that starts with the relationship we have with our fathers. This first relationship with the opposite sex lays the foundation for all future relationships with men. In my opinion, a woman’s self-worth begins to develop and is measured by the amount of quality interactions she has with her father. If you had a father who spent quality, face to face time interacting with you from the time you were born chances are you will have a healthy view of yourself. On the flip side, if your father wasn’t really in the picture or working all the time, the greater the likelihood you will have some innate need to fix or save a broken man. I believe the reason for this pattern is that you are projecting an innate need to fix yourself so your father would be around you more.


We project our deep seeded, internal wounds on to those we care about most. A perfect example of this is when one person steps out of their relationship, has an affair and then accuses the other of cheating or sneaking around. I feel we seek out these men who need nurturing because we believe they just need one person to believe in them-US. We understand it just takes one person (Florence Nightingale) to make a difference. You want to save him and nurture and love this broken man so he can reach his full potential and be all the great things you believe he can be. The problem is HE has to believe in himself and love himself enough to accept and value your love. You can never love him so much that you get him there, he has to get there himself, in his car, with his own money and on his own time.


This idea or potential we see in a man needs to shift from future tense to the present. If he isn’t exactly where he needs to be to be an ideal partner for you right here, right now he’s not the one for you. It’s really that simple. I understand that men are not given the same tools women are to process and express their feelings but that’s a job for when you are a mother, not a partner. You need to love yourself so much that you understand and value your worth and will absolutely not settle for anyone who isn’t matching or bringing more to the table then you. This advice isn’t for single women in their 20’s, I’m talking 30 and over here ladies.


The evolution of ourselves is miraculous IF you do the work. I get that ignorance is bliss but ignoring truths that keep flashing in your face will only hurt YOU in the long run. Use your single time wisely and work on your damn self!!! Save you, not him, only he can save himself just like only you can save you. Get uncomfortable, identify and work on what is keeping you from reaching YOUR full relationship potential. Keep in mind, each individual HAS to have enough self-awareness to be open to the possibility that something about them needs working on in order to attract a truly compatible partner they can grow old with.


Most all of my clients have two things in common, they are incredibly successful in business and true problem solvers. They have come to the conclusion that it is too exhausting and too time consuming to find a partner on their own, so they reach out. If this describes you and you live here in San Diego, I’d love to hear more about you.

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